A ‘Trial’ on Transformation

March 11, 2008

[Warning: This is pretty crappy. I’m trying to write a blog post a day, so in the process I’ll end up with a great deal of fluff. I consider it my duty to inform you when what you’re about to read probably isn’t worth the time. This is one of those moments.]

Let’s start off with a simple question:

What separates this moment from any other?

A few things come to mind: my state of awareness; my surroundings; the projects on my plate; the time of year; my location on the planet; my body [which subsumes genetics]; the electrical firing in my brain. All of those things define what makes up my life right now. And a whole lot of other things that I can’t really think of. But they should count in this too. I’m sure I could probably say all that in a more succinct way [I don’t know, something like ‘genes, environment, and mental state.’ Yeah, I think I like putting it that way better.]

Which of those really change from a day to day basis? Well, all of them. Pretty clearly, my genes [or at least the expression of them] are effected by the environment and vice versa. My mental state helps to create the environment I experience, and as a result I change my environment to mirror my mental state. And my mental state clearly stems from my brain, which stems from my genetics. In other words you have this really nice mix of all this stuff that you can’t really tease apart, even if you wanted to.

This brings me back to my original question, though: what separates this moment from the next, when the answer is EVERYTHING?

And at moments like this when I realize that I don’t exist, it really blows. And then I continue writing, because I’ve decided that I’ll write a blog post a day, even if it really sucks like this one. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, again and again and again until it turns out to be not so poor.

The truth is that I wanted to talk about what separates the moments between when a person lives their life consciously and when a person lives their life on autopilot. Like when a morbidly obese person suddenly decides enough is enough and goes for a walk, no matter how painful. Or when an unrequited lover decides that the moment of truth has come, and he’ll either court the object of his affection or move on forever. Or when a student studying one subject suddenly decides that this subject is no longer for her.

Do those moments really occur as epiphanies, or they only seem that way to the untrained eye. Clearly, they were largely a long time coming. But does that mean that they didn’t happen in that one instant that a ‘decision’ was made? Or does it mean that the decision was really being made over the course of that persons entire lifetime?

When does a person finally stop feeling sorry for him/herself? From the moment the feeling sorry begins? Or from the moment they decide not to put up with it anymore? And does it really matter to draw that line somewhere?

It would seem that I’ve moved myself no further forward than I was before I started this little foray. Sigh. But that’s life.



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