The Swell Well of Memories

August 17, 2008

A few days ago, unable to fall asleep, I decided to page through some of the journals I’ve kept. This is an activity I’ve done more or less constantly since the end freshman year of high school. Which means that I have a good five and a half years of content. Which is crazy to think about. Because 9th grade seemed like just yesterday in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, two things struck me while going through those journals (other than the fact that it was a bad idea if I hoped it would help my insomnia and that my handwriting has improved a whole bunch in the five years): how much ‘I’ve changed and how much ‘I’ve stayed the same.

Obviously, I haven’t really figured out life that much more than I had back then. I mean, I don’t know if anyone really ever figures out life. Sometimes I figure that it’s actually un-figure-out-able. That as people get older, they just assume every else has figured it out, so they act like they have too, just to fit in. But everyone is just faking it, enough so that it seems real. Which is kind of scary and kind of beautiful at the same time.

And the other thing I noticed is how much my ideas have changed. Obviously, I’ve said this a million times before. But the difference in my life philosophy from then to now is just about as different as night and day. And sure, it was nice to believe in some all powerful divine power that made everything right (some entries included reference to the fact that things are the way they are because God wanted them that way, etc. [which I guess isn’t too far from my present belief that things are the way they are because, well, they are that way… just subtract God from the previous statement and you have all the same things!]), but I’ll take my ‘meaningless’ existence any time. I don’t know how people go from rejecting religion to being ‘born again.’ I guess I’d have to have their experience. Because I’m way too intrenched in the way I am right now.

I guess I thought I would have more to say. You would think a person might have more to say about reviewing five years of their life. But I guess not.

I’m glad that I started to journal those five years ago. Not only do I have a collection of what was going on in my life, I also have some idea of what was going on in my life. And I have constant reminders that even when I thought life had fallen apart, things turn out okay. Everything turns out okay in the end. You just have to hone your skills of rationalization.

Maybe that’s what growing up is all about. Faking it until you finally believe it. And then hope that everything doesn’t fall apart.

And when I really become that cynical, I’ll know I’ve become a real adult. :P


One Response to “The Swell Well of Memories”

  1. daveinthewest said

    MMM…. all aboard the nostalgia train! I’m afraid to read anything older than 3 years to be honest. I’m so upset with stuff that I’ve done and said. I’m just glad to be where I am now, lol.

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